STRAY

 

woman-918780_1280I guess getting lost means loosing who you are, what you want most in life, things that matter most to you.

That been said, I am lost *straight face*

“How did you let that happen?” Some might ask.

I didn’t, it just happened!

I put everything into a work that ended up draining my whole essence,drive and purpose, eeh maybe not purpose but hasn’t it?

Some days are clear with me being a bright and enthusiastic lady and some, sad, lonely, upset,disoriented.

I was consumed by the fact that I was building my first app but the constant nagging and abusive phone calls kept tugging at my resolve till I finally yielded and let go.

In all honesty, I was and still scared of what that dark corridor holds in store and sometimes I tell myself that I am curious enough to explore it and other times, I’m just scared.

People chat with me and see a young, brilliant and smart lady but I look at myself and see a young, LOST girl who having conquered all her past demons, has been given a new set of demons to battle with.

Her problem, she doesn’t know what she is battling!

At times, it seems like just laziness but most times its not that!

I need help!!! But how can I ask for help when I have yet to fathom the problem ;(

Could it be mid-life crisis?

Isn’t that too early for a 22-year old lady?

Or does mid-life crisis have an age group?

In the cause of trying to figure out a way out of this terribly misty room, I keep making hasty decisions that I end up regretting and suffering for…

He at least tried to stop this one but I didn’t listen….

I really wish I had listened but the excitement that I had gotten the gig regardless of how I had fumbled at the interview clouded my eyes and clogged my brain.

I should have listened!

I can’t even give anything ‘cos I ain’t got nothing to give!

I’m empty! Well,.. not totally but almost, at least below average healthy level.

I am here staring at my DIRTY WHITE COLORED LAPTOP wondering how to tell you that I yearn for just a ray of light to shine through.

I can’t even go to events as I fear that I might just embarrass myself and worsen things than they already are.

Just give it a shot, what’s the worse that can happen?, go out more…..

How do you deal with your own demons?

 

No Love,

The Lost girl.

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That Woman and Time

Who do people call “that woman”?

Your mom,aunty,a strange woman, a lady that you are annoyed with?

Well,… this child calls her mother, “that woman”.

Surprised?

I found out that what you call people is most likely dependent on how you see them.

Sometimes, I dream of gisting with you about my endeavors and future ones. But then , I wake up and I am scared….

My anxiety, and health deteriorated because I kept hoping you will come back to care for me…

Time, they say heals all wounds, but time has refused to provide that soothing balm to my bleeding heart.

Is time also nursing wounds too?

Rather than heal my wounds, he has tried to comfort me with the gift of freedom.

Freedom,…hmmmm….

What has freedom done to me?

Opportunities, some might say…

Yes! I cannot deny that but what of those moments when I crave for her lovely smile and her annoying laughter or disapproving look?

When death snatched you due to his selfishness, dealing ruthlessly with this poor child still clinging to your feet…

Tears became the child’s soothing companion,  hurt and his twin sister pain when given permission had a filled party…

Through it all, that little child was forced to shed her young innocence and take on adulthood abruptly…

Grieving in silence…

Three years, some will say is enough to gently sew up the tears in my heart…

But, three years feels like yesterday, when I walked into your room to ask for your food and you refused….

Three years feels like this morning when I woke up to a reminder that I will not come home to hear you call me “bus bus my big baby”.

Three years feels like every night when we argue over which TV program was to be watched.

Three years is felt everyday as I unconsciously talk to you when I hit rock bottom.

Three years, ….

I still call to you to talk to me when I need help.

Three years…….

…That is why  I call her “That woman” as she is far away.

 

Time has not healed this hurting child’s heart.

That Woman’s little child.

A month after School

A day after school, an enthusiastic and eager young lady looks forward to beginning her new life and is determined to give it her best. She has a philosophy of work hard or go home.

A month after, a deflated and resigned young lady struggling to keep what’s left of that glow and energy that she began with.

To some, a month is a short period, others, a long period. To me, a month symbolized how much i craved to leave my surrounding as everybody thinks I’m rushing that I should slow down and do what exactly?!

A month after school and i really can’t point at something reasonable that I have done.
Gone for interviews and asked the usual ritual questions : what are your goals, your strengths and weaknesses and realize that you feel empty and blank *deep breath*……

Ever felt that way before?… Every time, you wake up, and ask your self what it is you want but you can’t seem to figure it out. You fear the daunting question of what next, what do you want in life, where do you see your self in the next X years?
And then a sudden dark stillness overcomes me, not fear but just a calm, dark, blank state which is worrying and still when I try to reach out, I hear the words, slow down,wait, you should quit and think, think of what?!

… There’s nothing to think about as my mind is just an empty dark space yearning to be filled once again with energized thoughts of the future that suddenly seems to be staring at me with those beautiful sad eyes.

… That future that seemed so bright in January suddenly seems bleak….

… Lately, I sadly accept my fate as it seems that the problems that I tried to help others solve seem to be rear their ugly heads just after I finish school…

… Is mother nature angry at me for trying to help others find a path out of their problems? …

…If yes, why?…

…I want to have just a teeny tiny idea of why I am even doing what I am currently doing but the more I reach for those tiny and fragile fingers, the farther they seem to be…

… I am tired of being told that I need to slow down!…

…That small portion of sanity and joy I have left, please don’t leave me *quietly sobs*…

… That very beautiful pillar of support has become a heart wrenching thorn in my flesh…

…All within one month!…

So now you see, why one month is neither long nor short to me but the events that occur within that period of time.

Love,
the dark empty mind.

Things I am grateful for. Day 1… Stick around will you ;)

grateful

First a big apology to my mentor Uzo who made me promise to start writing about the things i am grateful for. I know it’s already kinda late right? But better late than never. Here goes nothing….

On a slightly cold night, headache and sleep clawing at my head and eyes drawing me to sleep but i remain adamant! Find out why….

Have you ever looked at your current capacity, position,fitness and felt like you haven’t achieved anything? Have you ever felt dejected or motivated to either fallback or strive to move forward towards that dream, body goal, goals(in general)?

Have you ever had high expectations of yourself and how your life will turn out? Get disappointed and felt very ungrateful even for the little things that you might have learnt? Or been so blinded by the expectations that you failed to see the good things that came out of it?

If yes, join me as I learn the art of gratefulness.

I am grateful for meeting my current boss 😉

Fond memories slowly creep in, …….

A birthday hangout of a mutual friend turns into a job interview ground. Informal but in a subtle way formal. Fear of not representing myself , fear of not getting the job (even though it was a volunteering job) , fear that I have not reached the stage of being interviewed as a developer……

Regardless, I put on my best dress(in my mind)  and adjusted my dress,attitude and all the courage I could muster, SILENTLY praying that i could make not just a lasting impression but a good one.

This brings me to my dear friend whose work I did and I’m not so proud of at the moment ‘cos it honestly looks amateurish but gave me the chance to grow tremendously and also have something to show to people. I do hope to get around to redesigning the website soon.

Maybe it was fate, luck or whatever, but I believe God had a plan for me.Yes! The GOD factor, deny it all you want but deep inside you know that a whole lot of things woulda fucked up if it weren’t for him. I honestly think I was not qualified enough but my boss was willing to try and even help me grow! Where in the world would you find such?

Long story short, i got the job and my journey towards being a front-end dev began fully.

Fast forward to the present, i am now a full staff of the company, most importantly doing what i love the most, CODING.

I am about to be defeated by beautiful sleep so this is me saying keep meeting people and keep doing what you love.

Sleepy and grateful
buu

 

 

My first website review yay!!!!!!


Hey hey hey, what’s been up with everyone?!
Sooooo…… My week has been a lot of things but I guess when you fall, you stand up, dust your butt and look forward.

Yeah right! Like it’s that easy, but I think it is *tiny voice* sometimes tho
So on to my peak of the week!!!!!!!!! *screams*
*drum rolls*
So today, I decided to download the medium app on my android phone cos I was thinking of starting a blog there too. ;);) yea! Yea! I’m finally trying to get into the whole easy blogging thing and maybe into the tech blogging things too *covers face*
Now, back to my story joor! ;);)
After downloading it and logging in, there was this article that caught my interest. The title is why it is hard to be a good front end developer.
And then Tada! I find Pencil!!!!!
*goey eyes*
Now here are a few things I like about the site.
1. Great UI; I love love the layout. ;);)

2. I love the concept behind the whole site; the new and simple way of blogging with ease!

3. The ability of the user to get his/her thoughts out in short concise words with expressive background images! Very cool!!!!!

4. Easy navigation on mobile.
Cons

1. The overlapping of elements in the last page ;( not a fan of that but I guess that’s about my con for the site.
Looking forward to writing there.
And yes, I was about to close up when I remembered I hadn’t talked about actually having an email chat with the co-founder of Pencil, Sydney Liu.

Sweet right!
Here’s a link to the site Pencil.
It’s pencil guys!!!!!

3rd week in November review

  
 

Hello everyone!!!!!!

So I do apologise for not posting regularly *covers eyes* 

I can’t really promise I’ll post regularly but I’ll try.

Yes! Down to today’s thoughts!!

Are you wondering why I am so excited? Yeah! I am!

The past one week has been fun and great!

I finally met a female mentor and got to hangout with my funny and witty mentor UZO! 

To be honest, I enjoyed every part of it and she was fun, lively(despite her cold), intelligent and also beautiful. Does that sound like a description for a nerd? 

No, it doesn’t. ;););)

But more importantly was her spirit. 

She was open-minded and scared of being called a mentor *evil grin* 

Oh! I digressed!!

Now, I dint come to talk about my mentors, but about my week of trying to create a friends website from scratch! 

Yes! From scratch! 

First of all, it was an overwhelming task considering that I hadn’t done it before.

I’ll just list out the worries I had,

Anxiety, design layout indecisiveness, js fear(yes,JavaScript fear, I’ll get back to that later), css usage(don’t get me wrong,I’m not yet a css guru now!), page effects,meeting deadline given, page outcome.

Watch out for part two! Hehehehehehe……….

Not in the zone 

  

The past few weeks have been more of a struggle to find purpose in why I got into web developement.

Some of you may wonder why that thought would come up for a new and energetic developer. 

Not to worry, I get those lapses when I face a certain problem of not “being in the zone”

I hate that feeling ‘cos it renders me useless(well not totally) to writing or even deciphering any new code. Dang it!
During the first two days of this phase, I often tell myself that it’s just a way of taking a break and learning more rather than just sitting at the computer writing codes all day long(not that I don’t enjoy it, don’t get me wrong) 

It’s just that those days when I’m not “in the zone” I miss the feeling of waking up to wanting to code. :);) yeah! Surprised?! 

Hahahahhahaa………………
Enough of the diversion! 

Have you ever felt like things aren’t working out the way you want it? Or your learning progress is just damn slow(according to you though)? 
Ever noticed that when you confide in someone about your present state, you end up getting to realise that you may have been too hard on yourself trying to figure out the whole picture?!
If yes, then welcome to my life of moments of doubts, and moments of utter happiness!!!!
Well,… As for the other answer, I hope curiosity takes the better part of you. ;);););) *grinning* 
I watched mark zuckerberg’s speech in China, and the 3 key points were 

Mission, 

Caring and 

Always look forward. 
Now, we all are being buzzed up by how to create new things and solve problems but what about we ask ourselves WHY? 

Why are we creating these products? 

Can we see the whole picture? 

If yes, bravo! 

If no? Excellente!!!
Here is the confusing part, why would I say excellent to those who haven’t yet figured out the whole picture? Is she alright? 

Hehehehehehe……. In fact, I am very much alive and mentally well.
Come to think of it, have you noticed that when you set a small goal, you work diligently to achieve it right? 

And then you set a bigger goal and another bigger goal and on and on and on…… 

Note that your goals get bigger and so do the problems and questions to be solved and answered too. *mischievous grin* 
This Chinese poem struck a chord, pardon me if I don’t quote it properly, it goes thus “if you keep working hard on a piece of metal, it can eventually become a needle”. 
My own translation is keep working on that idea of yours that seems “short sighted” now and it will eventually become something much more powerful than you can imagine!! 
And yes! I did get out of the “not in zone” phase quicker than I expected. *loop-sided grin*